Point of View: The Story (chapter 5)
"This is a work of fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental."
*Notice:
The characters in this story speak in multiple languages, depending on the situation. But because I only write it in one language, I would like to give some signs to tell you what language they are speaking.
If a person speaks in Khmer, the font is normal e.g. “Hello!”
If a person speaks in English, the font is oblique e.g. "Hello!”
If a person speaks in Japanese, the font is bold e.g. "Hello!"
Part 1: The Departure (continued)
That’s all…
Waking up from the past, I gazes at Ravy.
Has she forgiven me?
It has been 1 year and a half, but we still have not mentioned this problem since then.
Instead of talking about it, whenever there was a chance to take the exam to abroad, I shared the information and the sample questions of the exam to her. Even this time’s scholarship, I shared them, but she decided not to take the exam.
I wanted to make up for the past. However, it still has been haunting me. The picture and the atmosphere of that moment still stay in my head.
I really, really want to end this!
“Vy”
“What the matter?”
Ravy takes her eyes off the phone and looks at me.
After I gather the courage from every part of my body, my voice finally comes out.
“Are you still… angry with me?”
“Angry for what?”
“For… for the fact that I didn’t tell you about taking the scholarship exam during high school.”
“Ohhhh!” She looks like her brain has just unlocked the answer “It’s okay! I stop caring about it a long time ago!”
“Hah!!!”
What?!!!
“Really?!”
“Yes!”
“What a relieve! I thought you’re still angry with me!”
I breathe a sign of relief.
Ravy… she usually let a lot of bad words come out from her mouth, but she is such a generous person.
But…
Is it really true… that she forgot about it or does not care about it anymore?
In junior high school, she told me that she got a wrong answer on the question where she was confident in herself and she learned and remembered the right answer forever. If so, what about her life’s mistake?
Even if she does not care about it, I believe that she still thinks of me as a traitor.
She will not forget about that fact.
And so do I…
I will carry that past on my back forever… even after escaping to Japan…
Not long after Ravy moved out, I stop living there and come back to my hometown.
The place I live in is in a downtown where every house is not only for living, but also for working. There are many people come and go around here. There is a market nearby, so it is really convenient for me to go for food or coffee.
It has been several months since the last time I was in my hometown, but it still has not changed a little bit. The food is still delicious and the price has not increased, about which I have no complaint at all. The loud sellers are still loud as ever, but I am kind of get used to it since I have been living here for about 18 years.
However, what has changed is…
“Sela! I heard from your father that you’re going to Japan, right? You’re so amazing!”
“Oh my! Last year you got grade A and now you get scholarship to study in Japan? That’s incredible!”
“Like father, like daughter!”
And so on.
Having said that, the fact that a nobody like me has become a person who gets recognized in a community like this is such a delightful experience for me.
The passport and any other important document including the plane ticket have already been issued and received. The day of departure is soon to come, so my family - my parents, my three older brothers, and their wives and children - celebrate together by dining out.
We go to a hotpot restaurant. It is not a luxurious place and the decoration is also not that aesthetic, but I can guarantee the taste of the food. There is both of indoor and outdoor seat, and we choose the outdoor one. Therefore, we are welcome by the fresh air at night which comes to touch our skin gently.
After ordering and waiting for a while, the waiters deliver the soup, vegetable, meat, and beverage to our seat.
Seeing the food makes me miss the time we usually come to dining out together like this when I was just a kid. Those time and this time are almost same - the only different is that there are my brothers’ wives and children.
As we grow up, the time we spend with our parents decreases. My older brothers are busy working for their own families. As for me, since I became a junior high school student, I have not spent that much time to talk with my parents. I went to school, came back home, and went right into my room on the second floor to watch TV or to read books alone while my parents were working in the first floor.
I do not understand why I became like this. Even now I still have the same behavior. Maybe it is because I feel more comfortable alone?
And now… now that we are going to be apart from each other, I finally realize something…
I want to spend more time with them!
But… sigh! I know I am just like that! If I got much more time, I am absolutely sure that I would do the exactly opposite!
I am eating soup while enjoying the teasing scene between my parents and brothers. I love watching it! I hope that the scene will be continued even without me as an audience.
Mom who is sitting on my left laughs at what my brothers said. In her mind, however, is she truly happy? Now that her only daughter is going far away?
Till these day, I still remember her words trying to stop me after realizing that I was studying to go abroad. Her reason? She just did not want to be apart from me! And of course, I used to give up on my dream and listen to her, but only for half a year. Then I realized that I could not live like this. I must leave the well for the ocean!
Now that my dream has come true, I wonder if it aligns with my mom’s desire. Does she prefer being with me to my success?
Regardless of her wish, I am worried that she is worried about me.
I want to tell her to take care of herself, but saying stuff like this is not me. Being serious and genuinely speaking with my parents? Impossible!
Besides, it is such a pleasant time for my family. There are laughter in every corner of the table. Being serious all of sudden and making the atmosphere awkwardly silent is the last thing I want now.
Therefore, I decide to pick a carefree voice to speak to my mom.
“Mom, after I’m gone, missing me is a big no no! Watch your favorite Chinese dramas and don’t worry about me! Worry will just make you sick. It’s no good!”
“Hahaha! I know! I know!”
“We’re okay, Sela. No need to worry about us! You can just focus on your study!” My dad who sits on her left smiles.
“I go abroad for 6 year for studying and another 2 years for working there. Isn’t it too long? How are you gonna be okay with that?”
“But you’re not gonna be there for the whole 8 years. You’re gonna be back every year on your vacation, right?”
“Oh yeah! You’re right!” I scratch my head and smile with my eyes closed.
“Look at your brothers. They also went to study in Phnom Penh for 8 years. But now they have graduated and came back to our hometown. You think that it’s quite long, but time flies so quickly! You focus on your study and we focus on our job. 1 year, 2 year, 3 year… and before we know it, you finish your degree and come back to Cambodia. Just like that!”
“Hmm… yeah! Now that I think about it, you’re actually right!”
I agree with dad while looking at my three brothers who are looking out for their children.
I feel tired for them by just watching the scene.
“Have you prepared your stuff and your heart for the departure?”
Hearing mom’s question, I put my hand under my chin, finding the answer.
“Hmm… I think I’m well prepared. Not only did I prepare the daily life stuff, but I also read about earthquake in Japan. When I arrive Japan, I’ll buy stuff important for getting ready for the disaster like first-aid kit or something.I also read about the division of waste because I heard that Japan is strict about this.”
“It’s strict, therefore, it’s clean. You know?”
“Yes! And about my mind… hmm…” I close both eyes, trying to think. “I don’t know. But I’m kind of afraid that I won’t be in a good term with the Japanese or other foreigners because of the cultural difference. I don’t know how to deal with them.”
“Different countries have different culture. This is normal. What’s important is being polite and being friendly. When you see other people, you show them your respect by Sampeah, showing our custom. You should show the politeness of the Cambodian. Do you understand?”
But… it’s not me…
“Yes mom… I understand…”
I am disappointed! Instead of some good advice, I got some theories from books to follow!
Going abroad but keeping your “Cambodian’s polite personality” is actually great. The problem is I am not like that from the beginning! How can I protect thing I never own? I do not mean that I have no shame and violate Cambodian custom. I do not even know whether I can go to Japanese hot springs or not! Nevertheless, being polite or speaking in soft voice like ancient Cambodian women who were mentioned in Khmer sastra or whatever… sorry… no can do!
I understand that mom has a good intention. She wants me to be a good girl. But I doubt if she understands me clearly.
to be continued…
