When Intrusive Thoughts Became a Nightmare
Okay, about this story, I'm not going to tell you when it happened, but it wasn't a made-up story. If you're familiar with the topics which I'm talking about in this article, you'll know if it happened recently or a long time ago.
One night, I had a horrifying nightmare. It's been a long time since I had one, and this time it was one of the worst.
In the dream, I was in my apartment where I was staying. There, I met Tatsuki Fujimoto, the creator of the one and only Chainsaw Man manga. Actually, I don't know his face in real life. I just saw a clip where he levitated in his room, and his face was blurred. So, in the dream, his face was also blurred, but for some reason, I knew it was him.
Anyway, I met Tatsuki Fujimoto in my room and I wondered what he was doing here. To my surprise, he took out a syringe without a needle attached, but he didn't do anything to me with that syringe. Instead, he walked past me. I turned back to see what was behind me, and found out a terrifying scene.
There were two elderly people - a grandpa and a grandma - were holding down a baby girl as if to prevent her from escaping. However, the baby wasn't even trying to break free at all. She even smiled toward everyone around her.
But when I tried going near her, she showed her furious face and tried to get out from the elderly, not to escape, but to reach me. She then also stretched her arms toward me as if she wanted to strangle me to death. Suddenly, I noticed that this little girl had a body of a baby, but her face was the face of an evil woman from Ito Junji horror manga's short story "The Bully".
If you don't know about the story, it followed an evil girl who always bullied a boy to the point that he moved out from the town. When they both became adults, the man, for some reason, asked her to marry him. However, after having a child with her, the man suddenly disappeared and abandoned both his wife and child. Realizing that she was deceived as a revenge for the past, the woman was so furious, went on her way to dress up like a little girl as if to remind of the past, and then forcefully brought her child to go to the park where she bullied her husband before. The story abruptly ended there, and it was so unsettling that I kept thinking about it every now and then. And this time, she actually appeared in my dream...
Here is the picture of her when she dressed up to abuse her child...
Source: Facebook
I was so terrified. “Why doesn't she like me? Why does she want to kill me? Why does she act normally with other people but not me? Did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong? Am I such a bad person that she hates me? I don't understand! I don't understand!!!”
Horrified, angry, and upset, I woke up in the middle of the night, only to find out that I had a nightmare, and I needed to go to the bathroom now.
While going to the bathroom, my brain was engrossed in the nightmare. That woman's face kept staying in my head. I felt like I was facing her right now. But I tried to keep calm and to find the meaning behind the nightmare - why I had it.
It took me not that long to figure out the answer. In these past few weeks, I was attacked by many intrusive thoughts every day. I worried too much about what other people think of me even though it was probably not true. It wasn't the first time that I had intrusive thoughts, but this time I was so anxious that it literally became a nightmare.
After thinking about the reason, I tried to find the solution to save my brain from sinking into the nightmare again. The answer was to focus on the reality. Focus! I was walking back to my bed. I was sleeping. I was closing my eyes. What I could see was only darkness, not that evil lady.
Suddenly, I thought "Is this what the nightmare tried to tell me?"
If I want to escape from the nightmare, I should pay attention to the reality. Similarly, if I want to stop the intrusive thoughts, which reduce my brain energy 30% every day, I should focus on what really happens in my life. Is there anyone trying to kill me? Is there anyone trying to pick a fight with me? Is there anyone trying to bully me?
No.
Think of other people's kindness. I get help from many people. They give me advices when I'm stuck in a bad place. Sometimes they even give me constructive criticism to help me get out from my bad habit!
Why can't I see it? Why didn't I think of it? Why do I always forget about it? Why?
This nightmare should mark the end of my intrusive thoughts. This is not going to be easy, but I will get out from this nightmare in my mind by using the lesson I learned from the nightmare I had that night.
